I’m utterly sick of not sleeping well and consequently not feeling well during the day. Sometimes I feel like my busy mind always wins. It won’t stop knocking on the door of my tiredness, and my tiredness always responds or gives in. I feel trapped and hopeless in the face of my endless thoughts. I need so kind of help, but will it help me? Sleep is a biological, natural process and my way of thinking is totally interrupting it. Totally. Babies just fall asleep naturally, effortlessly, regardless of where they are, if there’s light, noise or anything. I’m so jealous. I know my busy mind has a purpose, is adaptive and quite useful for me under many circumstances, but this is too much. I realize now, however, that I can function adequately and be just as productive, with only 3-6 hours of sleep although it many not seem like it. I can't let things go. Holding on to them is more toxic than the annoying headache and overall unidentifiable, indirect body ache.
Interesting observation: There’s fear and overt anxiety attached to the thinking. Many times, as I find myself about fall asleep, some negligible thought with surface, not important but my body will wake up, jolt up, in fear and astonishment, my heart pounding as if my life were in danger. Has my experience rewired my brain in such a way that it responds to everyday issues and annoyances as if they were threats to my survival? I think there’s some biologically wrong with my brain right now; the anxiety and fear pathways feel severely but unnecessarily sensitive to anything.
May 14, 2011
My sleep difficulties have been getting intensely worse and worse. My bed is not place of rest. It's been too extreme and everyday has become a struggle against sleep deprivation, head aches, irritability, frustration, more anxiety and obsession about being able to sleep, pain, suffering, sadness, and a growing pessimism. (same thing happened 2 years ago, documented in this same journal!) I can't live like this anymore, I feel desperate, hopeless in the face of this issue, as I've been dealing with this chronic insomnia on and off now for years. I feel like it's seriously taking a toll on the quality of my life. I'm young; I shouldn't be dealing with sleep issues, at least at this age. This is a new low. I'm very worried about myself, my health and well-being; all I see and feel now is a pending sleepless doom and whether or not it's permanent, it feels so.
It's been days and days of lying in bed 8 or 9 hours but only being asleep 3-6 hours. I'm sick of all the quick-fix advice people give me; I feel like I've tried everything; my busy mind won't stop knocking at my door keeping me up. Many times, as I find myself about fall asleep, some negligible thought with surface, not important, but my body will jolt up, in fear, worry and astonishment, my heart pounding as if my life were in serious danger. Has my experience rewired my brain in such a way that it responds to everyday issues and annoyances as if they were threats to my survival? I think there’s some biologically wrong with my brain or chemical imbalance right now; the anxiety and fear pathways feel severely but unnecessarily sensitive to anything. I don't even feel like I could be responsive to any kind of talk therapy because I feel so overwhelmingly hopeless and trapped. I don't want to start taking any kind of medicine, so I just feel deeply stuck. How did it get this bad? I want to enjoy myself and really live. I’m young, healthy, in a prime of my life. I don’t want it to pass me by but I feel like it is. Utter hopelessness. Utter sleeplessness. Utter pain. Utter worry. No relief.
May 19, 2011
It’s almost impossible to fall asleep when I’m tired
My thoughts won’t leave my alone; they’ll compromise my tiredness, need to sleep
I’ll almost always struggle with sleep
I can’t stop thinking
I think I have a ‘thinking’ addiction
I'm in a bottomless whole
There's no escape
It will be like this forever
May 26, 2011
My racing thoughts worsen my problems falling asleep and not being able to fall asleep or go back to sleep worsens my racing thoughts! If only I could sleep a little to calm the racing thoughts, but they won't let me! My headache and general body ache feel permanent! My body's adjusting to this sleep deprivation after so much debt. Is this good or bad? Why can't I ever stop thinking?! Why is my mind never tired but my body, head and brain are? When it will end? When will I wake up rested? When will I have a day that doesn't feel like a constant struggle against my tiredness?
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